It’s me again, which means it’s a new month. And hey, it’s also a New Year — or just about. By 2019, I’m quite sure we were supposed to have flying cars that packed neatly into our briefcases and access to affordable space travel. But that didn’t happen, so in lieu of it, I wrote your consolation horoscopes.
Happy Birthday, Capricorn. Since I last wrote about you, I’ve met a few Capricorns and I have to say, I really love y’all. January’s when most of you celebrate your birthdays and, let’s be honest, you’re not going to plan anything because y’all are not planners. So, instead, I suggest you tell a bunch of people your birthday is coming up. Let them know what a celebration might look like if you were to plan: Drop a low-key suggestion like Gee, it would be so nice to be surprised this year at The Flower Shop by all my friends holding a Tecate just for me. And then sit back, light up one too many doobies, and let the totally impromptu festivities begin.
Depending on when you’re reading this, you’ve had or you’re going to have a fucking blast for NYE. Fun, yes! Lot’s of pink tequila, yep! A hangover on your couch with a Seamless bagel from the bodega literally right next door, but of course! And now, you need this patch by The Good Patch — and you need it now. Think of it like the best friend that made sure you got home and washed all your makeup off. Or the friend that bought you a big slice of pizza before you passed out. This patch is always there for you and is filled with B1 and CBD to kick that hangover right to the curb.
You’ve been thinking long and hard about your New Year’s resolution. And those can be tough, so I’m here to offer support. Start small by promising to use a toner on your skin for the next 365 days. Or commit to buying concert tickets before they sell out and cost $35 more on StubHub. But realistically, that concert-going idea is a little more of a commitment than using a toner. So if you’re not up for it, try funnelling that $35 towards a one-hitter instead. Boom. Resolutions are a piece (of cake).
Honestly, you cannot stop running into your exes everywhere you go. Blame it on a planet in retrograde, because I feel like there’s always some fucking planet in retrograde. Anyway, no matter if you’re bumping into them post-gym sesh or on the dancefloor at your fave karaoke spot, prepare to be carefree and glowing — mainly because you found an Old Pal.
Taurus, this is your year. I know it’s a lot of pressure on just 12 short months, but I’m not kidding. Pick up “Becoming” by Michelle Obama, puff this beautiful CBD vape pen by BEBOE, and get ready to take this year by the horns. Maybe that means refreshing your IG profile photo or throwing away all the receipts in your wallet. Or maybe it means thinking even bigger: Get yourself that mofo bonus!
Gemini, you have got to release those creative juices. But because you’re you, pen to paper may not be the best way to do it. What if, next time you’re dancing, you imagine that your body is a pen and each time you move, you spell out the words you need to release. Another way to get those juices flowing is Kundalini yoga or with cannabis lube. Have fun.
Look, CBD is a daily supplement and to soak in all of its hemp magic, you have got to take it every single day. Drop it in your matcha. Drop it in your guac. Drop it in your mom’s famous carrot cake. Drop it in your glass of water before bedtime. I know, this feels like a serious horoscope and you’re right; I’m a complicated astrologer with real layers. But also, I’m currently sipping a tasty mezcal and I totally forgot what I was writing about.
Leo, you’ve already planned out your nail art inspiration for every month of the year. We’ve got smiles for January. Bitch-better-have-my-money vibes for February. I could go on, but I won’t. With all these bomb-ass manis, looks like you’ll be rolling lots of joints in the 2019. (It’d be rude not to!) You could even coordinate these rolling papers to match your nails. And then this friendly piece here, for maximum extra-ness that will last all through the New Year!
News flash: You gotta get off of your high horse for 2019. Sometimes, the high horse can be good — like Kasey Musgraves good — and sometimes, you’re the friend at brunch with the complicated diet judging everyone’s chicken and waffles order. Just sit back and relax, because when people need your opinion, they’ll ask for it. Especially because they know that you’re the only one with edible recommendations that matter.
Something tells me that since the last time we chatted you met a Virgo and you liked them. And even though I told you to back off because #vibes, that’s okay, Libra. I think I can trust you and your ability to read people, because if you trust this Virgo, I can trust this Virgo too. You really do great work and this here Virgo has been instrumental in growing your clientele.
They say on New Year’s Day a man is supposed to be the first person to walk through the door. But Scorpio, you’re all about making up your own traditions. Like, let a black cat be the first thing to walk in the door. Superstitions only hold the power that we give them. Shake that shit up!
Sagi, is it okay if I give you a cute nickname? I hope so, because I’m doing it. The year is the year that you add some spice to your friendships. You’ve got friends, great ones. But when was the last time you went somewhere solo dolo? Go ahead, say This is it, I’m coming home with a new friend. Be that friend who makes your new friend’s friends jealous. Be you.
Read more High Horoscopes from Maya.